Lawyer Jokes

There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker only screws one person at a time

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

A client had just come in to see a lawyer.
“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”
“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

Q: What’s the difference between a good and bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer might let a case drag out for years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him a Viagra?
A: Taller

Q: Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service