There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker only screws one person at a time
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
A client had just come in to see a lawyer.
“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”
“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”